“I need a break, I’m exhausted” and boy did I get one! Ironically a day after saying this, I got my break but not in the way I had expected! I was imagining a beach, a good book and to finally get on top of the never ending jobs list. But no I got a broken back instead – bloody typical, cheers for that!

So how did that happen? It was Australia Day and we were excited about going to a local event that afternoon, so we decided to get the cattle mustered early at 6am whilst it was still cool. All was going well until…..

Tom went up to push a mob of cattle down from the top paddock and I stayed down on a steep bank to stop them from going down to the river. But they came down fast and a cow burst out of the scrub right in front of me. It literally landed on us. ‘Shot Gun’ our beautiful Dunn gelding reared up a couple of times. Unsurprising really considering a cow landed virtually on him! I sat the first two rears but on the third he lost his footing on the steep bank and fell, so off I came. As is always the case everything went into slow motion and I remember thinking please don’t land on me, then the crunch as I landed on my right hip. When I did come round facing the dirt an excruciating pain shoot through my right side and then everything is a bit of a blur. I remember calling Tom but after that my memory comes and goes as I hit my head too. Thank god for the riding helmet is all I can say.

I remember Sam and Joe, my sons arriving and asking Sam to keep the ants off me and use my riding hat to support me in a comfortable position. Apparently he stayed there for the whole 45 mins it took for the ambulance to arrive bless him. I’m so proud he stayed calm and gentle throughout, telling me to breath through the pain as I had taught him in the past when he hurt himself. I learnt afterwards that Joe had sat on a log crying and then ran up to help guide the ambulance in. It has affected him a lot since then, as he thought I was dying poor thing. Our neighbours Amanda and John, who are also cattle farmers arrived quickly to help and for that I’m forever grateful. I was desperate for some support for my head and I remember Amanda had some cool bags, which helped immensely. Thanks Aldi!

Finally the Ambos arrived and again I don’t remember much except that they took my trousers off and I had bright pink pants on and apparently I said to John the neighbour  ” I bet you wish you had a a pair of pink pants like this!” My only excuse is morphine!

In the mean time Tom was a tower of strength and had overseen the whole shebang – what a star of a hubby, even though he must have been immensly worried.

We live down a long dusty road so I had a very bumpy ride into the hospital, however all I remember of that journey is, desperately needing a wee! I must have had too much coffee at breakfast and now not only was I in agony from my hip but also from the need to go to the loo. Well that wasn’t happening strapped to a board. They said just wet myself but come on! I’m 39 years old and proud to say I have been successfully toilet trained for 37 plus years and that wasn’t going to change now! In addition I had a very young male paramedic sitting at the end of the bed and nothing was going to make me wee myself in front of him!

When we eventually got to the hospital. Everything was still a blur and even though my back hurt the biggest pain was now my bladder. It took at least another hour till I had a catheter and my god the relief! (If TMI sorry!)

We both knew they suspected a broken back but I could feel and wiggle my toes. So we knew it wasn’t too bad but still the time waiting to find out the CT results felt like forever. Tom was by my side through the whole thing and I don’t know what I would have done with out him.

Well long story short, I have broken my sacrum , which is at the very bottom of your spine and in your pelvis. There’s not much they can do except order bed rest and lots of pain relief. I was in hospital for a couple of days and whilst the staff were great, the food is the same as the UK – to pinch a well known quote “you can live on it, but it tastes like shit!” To add to my problems they kept putting the food tray on the table by the window and I just couldn’t get to it, let alone sit up to eat it even if I had wanted too. So for most of the time there I didn’t eat.

For the first week I was in bed all the time and then it was 80% , then 50% and now the fourth week it’s 20%. I’ve still got a way to go and I can’t walk for long on my crutches as the pain starts again. They say it’s an 8 week recovery and so far I’m 4 weeks in and all is going as expected.

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a busy bee. So being stuck in bed all this time in such pain has been pretty hard work. I suffer from bouts of depression and could feel myself spiralling down that way. When a friend, Caroline suggested writing a blog I thought what better time than this and it was something I had thought of doing for a while but never had the time! Writing has never been my strong point but I needed something to do and a way to express my self creatively. So even if this just helps me through this difficult time of my life and keeps the black dog I call depression from my door then it will have achieved a purpose and if it entertains you, then all the better. If not the webs a big place read elsewhere!

And that brings me to the point of this particular blog, even though this experience has been pretty bad, I know I’m lucky and it could have been so much worse for me and many aren’t as lucky. I’m also lucky Tom and the boys have stepped up to the plate and have been amazing really. They even clean up after them selves more! Tom and I had been having a few problems before all this. Just relating to the stress of everything we have had, and still have to do. We hadn’t spent enough quality time with each other for ages, as baby sitters don’t exist here. We had stopped communicating well and arguments were common. Plus I can be very controlling – ok bossy! But I’m just not good at relaxing and feel guilty for taking any ‘me’ time, as we always have so much to do. I’m always in a high state of anxiety and scared of everything going wrong all the time if I don’t try and control it.  This has got worse since the move as we have so much at risk at the moment and this has made it hard on us all at times. So even though I don’t recommend this form of a break. It has made me slow down, take a step back, trust others, stopped trying to micro-manage everything and have some ‘me’ time even if it is painful. I’ve watched a whole box set for goodness sakes!! Tom and I have spent time together which has been fantastic and the world hasn’t fallen apart without me doing everything immediately .

So is it ever good when you break your back? Ok never…..but there has been some good lessons come out of this journey for me so far and if I don’t focus on these during this recovery time it could be so much more than my back that got broke recently. Like I said I needed a break and things felt like they were starting to fall apart. I think the only way to make me stop was to give me this break literally and having this time to reflect has been good…fates a funny thing.

I can’t close this blog without paying respects to an amazing woman, Mary Walker…

This experience has given me a better appreciation of Toms mum, Mary. In her youth she broke her hip in an accident leaving her with one leg shorter than the other and a limp. However she went on to have her three wonderful children and be an amazingly busy farmers wife and helper of the community. For as long as I have known Mary she had been on sticks or crutches. What a woman, I’m constantly in awe of her at the moment, especially when I try to do anything on these crutches and manage a family home and farm still. Mary, visited us in the first year we were here and unfortunatly passed away not long after. The sound of her crutches, tap, tapping down the hallway, has been replicated by me recently and we have all been effected by that sound and the memories it brings back. My respect for her was already at the highest it could be but if anything it has gone up to another level.